From the daily mash:newstrip

THE Newcastle United board has decided to alienate its few remaining fans with a new away kit that looks like a boiled sweet made from urine.

You can suck Steven Taylor for up to an hour
The kit was designed by lifelong Sunderland fan Tom Logan, who said he spent weeks searching for just the right shades of yellow.

He added: “I wanted something that said ‘piss’, but combined both the pale yellow of a poor person who drinks too much with the dark yellow of a person who buys rich food that they can’t really afford.”

The kit will go on sale next week, priced to meet the value for money expectations of gullible, colour-blind halfwits.

Meanwhile the board hopes its latest move will constitute the final straw so the club can finally be wound down and sold off at a car-boot sale in Whitley Bay.

Chairman Mike Ashley said: “I’ll be honest, at this point we’re so brassic we’re accepting Nectar Points and handjobs just to make ends meet.”

He added: “It’s been tough – re-employing Keegan, absurdly expensive season tickets, Dennis Wise – but this should finally enable me to flatten St James’s Park and use the land for raising goats.”

Defender Steven Taylor, who modelled the strip, said: “This is possibly the biggest tit I’ve felt since joining Newcastle, and I spend most of the season being dumped on my arse while the opposition hoof the ball into the roof of the net.”

Newcastle fan Martin Bishop added: “I’ve followed the Toon since Jackie Milburn but if I go around wearing that, people will automatically think I’ve just escaped from a parade that celebrates alternative lifestyles.”